• Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
  • Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • Born free, taxed to death.
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
  • What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?Because those men already have boyfriends.
  • What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
  • Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
  • Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
  • Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  • Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
    If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
  • I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
  • IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
  • I can handle pain until it hurts.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  • You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
  • You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
  • You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
  • You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • A day without smiling is a day wasted.
  • Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

– Via Academictips

Advertisements